too close for comfort.

Last night I had a dream that will undoubtedly alter the course of my day. Right now, I should be studying for a major exam, but I can't shake the images of the dream from my mind. I can't stop hearing the words that were said or seeing the look in the eyes. My voice has never sounded so desperately vulnerable yet remarkably strong in all my life. The realness of it is rather frightening to me--so much so that my stomach is wildly reacting to it, doing free-falls off of a precipice and smashing into the shock of water below.

If only it were another time or another place.

But the Lord has seen it fitting for me to be here and now and has not sketched this other road into my course. [Unfortunately, upon seeing the "you are here" symbol (I had to wipe a smudge from the glass to see it), I immediately burst into hot tears.]

I beg to someday know why certain things happen to me. How did I get here? How did I get to this place, sitting on my couch during a fierce thunderstorm, writing what I never say? How many people will I meet in my lifetime, and why? Why do some people affect me temporally and others eternally?

Every now and then, I am completely incapacitated by my thoughts. Today I fear that I will be utterly useless. Incapable of functioning normally. Never fully present in the room. And I fear that I will continue to see a face that perhaps will always cause me pain.