new obsession

it's been a brothers and sisters marathon around these parts for the past few days. since i work every night until late, i had to default to the show that's on sunday nights. when lost starts up again, i'm going to have to figure out some kind of elaborate scheme so i don't miss a minute.

but yeah, brothers and sisters. i don't get it. i have no idea why i like it. it's so dramatic all the time. everyone's a loon. always crying and flipping out. but there's something fascinating and addicting about it.

so i've jumped onto yet another bandwagon.

hon·est t/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation adjective 1. honorable in principles, intentions, and actions; upright and fair 2. showing uprightness and fairness 3 genuine or unadulterated 4.respectable; having a good reputation 5. truthful or creditable 6. humble honesty
noun
1.	the quality of being honest
2.	southeastern European plant cultivated for its fragrant purplish flowers and round flat papery silver-white seedpods that are used for indoor decoration c.1330, from O.Fr. honesté, from L. honestatem (nom. honestas) "honor, honesty," from honestus (see honest). In Eng., the word originally had more to do with honor. I don't think that I have ever understood and/or appreciated the profound value of honesty as I have this past week. (And I'm not talking about the purple flower with the silvery seedpods, just so we're clear). I realize that honesty is not limited to telling the truth--it goes much deeper than that. One must actually defy the fear of vulnerability,including rejection, judgment, or pain. If I think about it, it is from the moments of extreme vulnerability that I have learned the most about life and my character. I am a certified control-freak, wanting also to plan ahead for every situation, often putting the contentedness of others ahead of my own, if need be, in order to make the situation better. The thought of disrupting this equilibrium is literally terrifying to me. I analyze it from every possible angle, working out possible avenues of fulfillment with their subsequent results. Like clockwork, I try and try and try to figure it out until, as always, the answer becomes as clear as day: be honest. It's as simple and as difficult as that. It reminds me of a rather gaff wall hanging that has been gathering dust in my parents' kitchen since before the dawn of creation: "It takes both the sun and rain to make a rainbow." What is remarkable, however, is when communication reaches a new level at which both people are truly genuine and undisguised in their interactions with one another. I forgot how beautiful that is. I'm rather overwhelmed by it if I think about it too much. It happens so rarely, even among the closest relationships. This experience is a welcome blessing after a storm.

thoughts and updates.

today i am a pensive woman.

the falling leaves outside the window taunt me as i sit, shackled to the circulation desk. fall has arrived. it would be the perfect day to put on a cozy sweater and walk hand-in-hand through downtown princeton. it is remarkable how this job has robbed me of many simple pleasures in my life, for instance, walking outside on a saturday. how novel.

a slow, fat fly has been lackadaisically buzzing around my desk for several minutes. it makes me uncomfortable to think of its eyes looking at me through kaleidoscopic lenses. hopefully i'm sending the signal that i don't want germy fly germs anywhere near me. especially slow, fat ones.

last night i saw my first opera in nyc. we went to city opera to see "margaret garner," which is based upon toni morrison's "beloved." it was pretty good--the slave numbers were the best with lots of spirituals and folk inspiration. there was also this amazing woman who played the grandmother who could sing like nobody's business. seeing this show helped me gain some perspective. it's easy to get very jaded and unmotivated in music. because you're told you have to wait, wait, wait it often feels like you're working so hard but to what end? seeing this show, watching these people perform helped me to realize that i'm not so far away from attaining something like that. i really don't know what i want to try doing, but having performance as a goal may not be so utterly insane. these people were good, but most were not phenomenal, and that is important to remember. there is always room to improve, always something more for which to strive. it happens every time i go to see a show--i want to be up there joining in. i want to wear the costumes, stand under the lights, communicate something so deep and true that it moves people to leap to their feet with applause or fill their eyes with tears. i'm not sure where my niche is in all of this hullabaloo, but even the smallest amount of participation would be rewarding, i think.


i have had so many deep, philosophical conversations in the past few days that i feel mentally and emotionally exhausted. plus, the amount of talking alone has worn out my voice. i woke up this morning, and it was about four octaves lower than usual. charming.

ooh goodie, a new aria....

for any of you who care, i'm going to start working on this aria from previn's a streetcar named desire....


i can smell the sea air. ah, the sea...the blessedest thing that God created in the seven days. the rest of my days i'm going to spend on the sea. and when i die, i'm going to die there, on the sea, that sea! one day out on the ocean i will die. i will die with my hand in the hand of some good-looking nice ship's doctor with a small blonde moustache. and he'll have a silver watch, and he'll look at his silver watch, and sadly say: "poor lady." i'll be buried at sea. dropped overboard, sewn up in a clean white shroud. at the stroke of noon on the blaze of summer into an ocean as blue as my first love's eyes.