thoughts and updates.

today i am a pensive woman.

the falling leaves outside the window taunt me as i sit, shackled to the circulation desk. fall has arrived. it would be the perfect day to put on a cozy sweater and walk hand-in-hand through downtown princeton. it is remarkable how this job has robbed me of many simple pleasures in my life, for instance, walking outside on a saturday. how novel.

a slow, fat fly has been lackadaisically buzzing around my desk for several minutes. it makes me uncomfortable to think of its eyes looking at me through kaleidoscopic lenses. hopefully i'm sending the signal that i don't want germy fly germs anywhere near me. especially slow, fat ones.

last night i saw my first opera in nyc. we went to city opera to see "margaret garner," which is based upon toni morrison's "beloved." it was pretty good--the slave numbers were the best with lots of spirituals and folk inspiration. there was also this amazing woman who played the grandmother who could sing like nobody's business. seeing this show helped me gain some perspective. it's easy to get very jaded and unmotivated in music. because you're told you have to wait, wait, wait it often feels like you're working so hard but to what end? seeing this show, watching these people perform helped me to realize that i'm not so far away from attaining something like that. i really don't know what i want to try doing, but having performance as a goal may not be so utterly insane. these people were good, but most were not phenomenal, and that is important to remember. there is always room to improve, always something more for which to strive. it happens every time i go to see a show--i want to be up there joining in. i want to wear the costumes, stand under the lights, communicate something so deep and true that it moves people to leap to their feet with applause or fill their eyes with tears. i'm not sure where my niche is in all of this hullabaloo, but even the smallest amount of participation would be rewarding, i think.


i have had so many deep, philosophical conversations in the past few days that i feel mentally and emotionally exhausted. plus, the amount of talking alone has worn out my voice. i woke up this morning, and it was about four octaves lower than usual. charming.